Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
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TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.