Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
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“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Meow
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look