Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

Well, this certainly took a turn

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you

me: stop threatening me

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

Seductively sings in Klingon.

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

A flock of dads is called a grill.

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do