Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
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*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.