Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
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[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.