Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
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Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
when someone rings the doorbell
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd