Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
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If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
this has to be peak English
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I will never stop laughing at this
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.