*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
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If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
You’ll be OK
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.