I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
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employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
My whole life was a lie.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.