@hotdogsladies

Whenever our neighbor’s dog is barking, I know there’s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.

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@jordan_stratton

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

@thatdutchperson

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

@CakeThrottle

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.

@Holy_Mowgli

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

@ObscureGent

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

@pauleggleston

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

@HatfieldAnne

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

@UnFitz

Her: Just relax and be yourself.
Me: No, you’re going to have to pick one or the other.

@clarkekant

Ask your doctor if an unnecessary over-prescribed medication so he can get kickbacks from a pharmaceutical company is right for you.