ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Whenever our neighbor’s dog is barking, I know there’s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
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Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Her: Just relax and be yourself.
Me: No, you’re going to have to pick one or the other.
Ask your doctor if an unnecessary over-prescribed medication so he can get kickbacks from a pharmaceutical company is right for you.