[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
You Might Also Like
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.