Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
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It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
JOURNEY:
馃幎Strangers, waiting,馃幎
馃幎Up and down the boulevard馃幎
馃幎Their shadows searching in the night!馃幎ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
馃幎Streetlights,馃幎
馃幎people馃幎ME: Ah. Carry on.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it鈥檚 about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I鈥檓 just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I鈥檓 sorry.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: 岽翅祾岬掅祱 岬愥祾食鈦酷鼎鈦酷祶!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap鈥檔 Crunch for breakfast]: … 矢岬夅禆