Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
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Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
[at my house after 1st date]
me: so, do you wanna have some sex?
her: well, I don’t normally do this…but I think I’ll pass
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Imma need the barbs, beyhive, k pop stan Twitter, navy, and retired 1D stans to join forces and rig this election. I know y’all can do it