@UnicornSyrup

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

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@UnFitz

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

@OutOfLeftField_

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

@KKBowls

[at my house after 1st date]

me: so, do you wanna have some sex?

her: well, I don’t normally do this…but I think I’ll pass

@man_spach

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

@vrunt

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

@Smooheed

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

@Reverend_Scott

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

@hasht4g

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

@sarah_ogun

Imma need the barbs, beyhive, k pop stan Twitter, navy, and retired 1D stans to join forces and rig this election. I know y’all can do it