@errdayhustlah

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

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@ashleyaustrew

You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:
Goldfish
An apple w/ 1 bite out of it
Chicken you didn’t thaw
7 Legos
– Chopped: Moms Edition

@JustDontBugMe

[God creating Raccoons]

GOD: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.

ANGEL: UMMM…

GOD: But not wily enough to steal the infinity stones from Thanos.

ANGEL: SIGH.

@GayDeceiver

Morning meeting about improving communication cancelled because not everyone knew about it.

I wish I could make this up.

@beefman138

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

@retniw_nuf

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

@findmydolls

In September a 127 yr old woman passed away, which we already KNOW is a lie bc the earth isn’t even 127 yrs old. Don’t be ignorant.

@bylinetd

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

@MomofTeen

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.