Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
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I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.