Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

Judged you.

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You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:
An apple w/ 1 bite out of it
Chicken you didn’t thaw
7 Legos
– Chopped: Moms Edition


[God creating Raccoons]

GOD: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.


GOD: But not wily enough to steal the infinity stones from Thanos.



Morning meeting about improving communication cancelled because not everyone knew about it.

I wish I could make this up.


You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.


I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.


In September a 127 yr old woman passed away, which we already KNOW is a lie bc the earth isn’t even 127 yrs old. Don’t be ignorant.


My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”


I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.