boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Whenever people talk about “drug resistant super bugs”, all I can think about is how proud I am of those little guys for having the willpower to stay clean & sober in what must be an incredibly dangerous and stressful environment.
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My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
me: [googling] lose weight
google: eat healthy and exercise
me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
ME: I love the D
ME:I love to lick them first
ME:Then I love to swallow them
ME:I love D
Dunkin’ Donuts Interview
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.