@TheCiscoKidder: Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can't see them anymore.
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@JPLFR80: "get your shit together" is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
@TheHyyyype: WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head's too small it's not working
@Shen_the_Bird: [first day as a bartender] customer: i'd like this drink to go to the lady in the corner me: [holding it] HEY her: [looks up] me: CATCH