Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
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I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– space bar
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]