Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
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My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁