Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
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[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.