@PoodleSnarf

Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”

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@Shenaniglenns

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on

@onnlystar

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

@iamspacegirl

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

@tsm560

I’m not gonna apologize for being me. I tried that once and no one would accept it

@Nickadoo

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

@DevilryFun

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

@Elizasoul80

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

@Reverend_Scott

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

@SortaBad

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

@LosLos__

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes