Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”

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[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on


– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?


deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”


I’m not gonna apologize for being me. I tried that once and no one would accept it


“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”


Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.


The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.


my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there


We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever


*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes