Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
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I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.