Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Whenever someone calls me ebullient, I have to stop and think if I’ve just been insulted.
You Might Also Like
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Boom, boom, ching!
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s like some of y’all have never had an original thought in your life.
Narrator: He did not see the irony in his tweet
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be