If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 馃檨
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A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I鈥檇 send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I鈥檇 be like oh the file must鈥檝e been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must鈥檝e done it 50 times?
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she鈥檚 grounded
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
DON鈥橳 TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE鈥橲
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
God: you鈥檙e a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I鈥檓 a snek?
God: no you鈥檙e a snake.
Garter Snake: I鈥檓 a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you鈥檙e a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I鈥檓 a smol snek?
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.