Whenever someone calls me ebullient, I have to stop and think if I’ve just been insulted.

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Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas


ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.


If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader


You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.


“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert


GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.


I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s like some of y’all have never had an original thought in your life.

Narrator: He did not see the irony in his tweet


I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.


My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be