@C_A_Guardiola

Whenever someone calls me ebullient, I have to stop and think if I’ve just been insulted.

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@the_hawlk

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

@papasuncle

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

@Playing_Dad

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

@JesseWeller

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

@freypalm

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

@intellegint

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

@ham_why

I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s like some of y’all have never had an original thought in your life.

Narrator: He did not see the irony in his tweet

@TheThomason

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

@reallifemommy3

My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be