Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

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Women always complain about periods. Talk to me when ovaries become supersensitive, hang in a thin sac and you accidentally sit on them.


SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!


Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.


One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please


I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.


If it seems as though I love the dog more than you, kids, well that’s because he doesn’t have homework I need to help him with.


My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.


Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.


I’m a man with a very specific set of skills. Woodworking, mostly. And so help me, God, I’m going to find you and build you a bench.


The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them