Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
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What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?