Whenever someone dies they always tell me God called them home so that’s why I’ll never give Jesus my real phone number.

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Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.


Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.


Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.


Someone needs to tell drug sniffing dogs about the whole “man’s best friend” thing.


I bet Hannibal Lecter was pretty disappointed when he found out a five finger discount had nothing to do with purchasing fingers.


when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade


My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”


Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.




Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??


What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.