@DaHess1

Whenever someone dies they always tell me God called them home so that’s why I’ll never give Jesus my real phone number.

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@Marcmywords2

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

@heatherjs

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

@Maxine12339

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

@Sarcasmo718

Someone needs to tell drug sniffing dogs about the whole “man’s best friend” thing.

@yoyoha

I bet Hannibal Lecter was pretty disappointed when he found out a five finger discount had nothing to do with purchasing fingers.

@HardDriveMag

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

@venmo4feet

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

@aguycalledEddie

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

@neontaster

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.