whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
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From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.