Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

Lmao

Good morning

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

what could possibly go wrong?

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.