Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
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‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
People over 70 have a much different idea of what constitutes a story.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”
Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Numbers don’t mean anything to me. I’m here for the deep abiding friendships with people who haven’t blocked me yet
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer