Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
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Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.