Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
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A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.