Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
You Might Also Like
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I hate everything
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
A French press is when you hug naked
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO