Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
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How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
If you want my opinion ask my wife
*eats only grass-fed donuts
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.