OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.