This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
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[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
My Guy
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance