I tried to think of a funny caption for this but nothing could improve it
Whenever someone says “let’s get weird” my first thought is “I’m already there”
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‘Dude – just get a watch.’
James Bond is the type of top secret spy who announces who he is, then shoots everyone and sets off a bomb while doing absolutely no spying.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: I don’t know
Amazon review: Amazon river
DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
D: *sighs* Did you stick an orange up your rectum
*orange falls out onto floor*
M: *mumbles* yes
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.