@tacsanitchiban

Whenever someone says “let’s get weird” my first thought is “I’m already there”

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@vaginadental

I tried to think of a funny caption for this but nothing could improve it

@JonasPolsky

James Bond is the type of top secret spy who announces who he is, then shoots everyone and sets off a bomb while doing absolutely no spying.

@BuckyIsotope

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

@AnOrangeSNES

Amazon review: Amazon river
?????

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

@caperbc75

Dr: …
Me: …
D: …
M: …
D: *sighs* Did you stick an orange up your rectum
M: No
*orange falls out onto floor*
D: …
M: *mumbles* yes

@ch000ch

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

@mommajessiec

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

@ericsshadow

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

@sirHASHington

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.