@o__0Dev

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

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@zachreinert03

Just saw a woman getting ‘running lessons’ with rubber bands & a head gear. Pffft, I could’ve taught her for free and with only a chainsaw

@Parkerlawyer

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

@bourgeoisalien

Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage

@English_Channel

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

@ashmensch

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

@Parkerlawyer

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”