Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

You Might Also Like


Just saw a woman getting ‘running lessons’ with rubber bands & a head gear. Pffft, I could’ve taught her for free and with only a chainsaw


According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.


Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage


”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day


[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though


*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.


My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.


Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.