Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
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Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.