Just saw a woman getting ‘running lessons’ with rubber bands & a head gear. Pffft, I could’ve taught her for free and with only a chainsaw
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
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According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
<—- homeless romantic
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”