Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
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[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.