@Alex_LaVallee
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
@heatherlarson77
Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.
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@Alex_LaVallee
@Chumpstring
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
@squirrel74wkgn
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
@ShanaRose21
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
@shutupmikeginn
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
@RobbySlowik
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
@CelebrityChez
Went to Costco for paper towels and bought the Cleveland Browns and a helicopter.
@therealeatwood
ME: Um, I specifically requested Mary.
BLOODY CARLA: Listen, do you want your eyes clawed out or not?
@ArfMeasures
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
@Steven37366100
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas