this is why Twitter was created
Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.
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Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure