Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.

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My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

She stared at me until I paid her.


[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet


I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.


Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.


A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks


Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey


Went to Costco for paper towels and bought the Cleveland Browns and a helicopter.


ME: Um, I specifically requested Mary.

BLOODY CARLA: Listen, do you want your eyes clawed out or not?


Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure


I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas