@heatherlarson77

Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.

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@Alex_LaVallee

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

She stared at me until I paid her.

@Chumpstring

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

@squirrel74wkgn

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

@ShanaRose21

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

@shutupmikeginn

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

@RobbySlowik

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

@CelebrityChez

Went to Costco for paper towels and bought the Cleveland Browns and a helicopter.

@therealeatwood

ME: Um, I specifically requested Mary.

BLOODY CARLA: Listen, do you want your eyes clawed out or not?

@ArfMeasures

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

@Steven37366100

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas