@heatherlarson77

Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.

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@QwertyJones3

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

@TheBoydP

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

@jenniferfralic

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

@KentWGraham

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

@TheRolo

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

@sexncake

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure