Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.

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Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.


Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…


Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today


I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.


BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.


How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?


I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.


HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure