February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
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A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.