Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
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Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
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