It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
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I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I need a headline like this
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!