Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

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Let’s be honest, if I were to time travel to medieval Europe, I’d drink all the mead, and then promptly forget what I was there to do


I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.


Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws


jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same


Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?


My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.


Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.


*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!