@notthat_1

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

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@sonictyrant

TRAVEL AGENT: thats your flight booked sir, where would you like to be seated ?

ME:*nervously* inside the plane

@roxiqt

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

@causticbob

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

@TheSharona06

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

@ArfMeasures

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

@AndyAsAdjective

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

@spookyDichotomy

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

@Gooooats

I live in my parent’s basement so I had to dig a deeper basement for my kids to live in. In 20 generations we will reach the Earth’s core.

@tyrion1

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.