@notthat_1

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

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@CheeseDaydreams

Let’s be honest, if I were to time travel to medieval Europe, I’d drink all the mead, and then promptly forget what I was there to do

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

@PatsATweetin

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

@TheHyyyype

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

@djdarrellripley

Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?

@kimtopher22

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

@vladchoc

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

@Darlainky

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!