@mattZillaaaa

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

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@Samiam556

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

@tuckerflodman

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

@TheTweetOfGod

Media, stop using the phrase ‘breaking news’. It’s been broken for some time now.

@LizHackett

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

@markhoppus

trying to convince my mom that when someone texts her a joke, if it’s REALLY funny, convention is to reply with three eggplant emojis.

@therepoguy

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

@Merman_Melville

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

@Jacob_Swift16

I put a life-size alien doll in my passenger seat for halloween and I’ve caught myself talking to it 3 times

@Brampersandon_

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.