Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

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I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?


To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”


Media, stop using the phrase ‘breaking news’. It’s been broken for some time now.


Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.


trying to convince my mom that when someone texts her a joke, if it’s REALLY funny, convention is to reply with three eggplant emojis.


People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?


Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles


I put a life-size alien doll in my passenger seat for halloween and I’ve caught myself talking to it 3 times


[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.