@mattZillaaaa: Whenever someone tells me "make yourself at home" at their house, I always clog their toilet
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Rollinintheseat: The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
@Black__Elvis: My boss told me if I kept showing up late he'd give me a pink slip and I was like, how does he know about my tastes in women's underwear?
@KarenKilgariff: A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs. “See how annoying that is?”