me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
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Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
normalize having existential bread
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…