Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
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*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
giddy up Office Depot
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
How is it still this week?
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.