Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
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I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Life with a cat in one tweet
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
それは草
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already