They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
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People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
the council will decide your fate
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.