Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
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My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
There are no pants in heaven.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.