Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
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Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
channeling her this year
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
*mops up wine with cat*
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
I have no passwords left in me
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.