Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
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Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.