@seamusmckracken

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

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@BumpyRIde_

I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.

@UncleDuke1969

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

@SuMacDan

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

@squirrel74wkgn

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

@iAmDelFreaky

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

@nPhelendriqal

I just wrote a check for 6 dollars, so I don’t really wanna hear about your ‘summer’ house.

@panmidwest

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

@TheBoydP

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey

@curlycomedy

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.