Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
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Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Boom, boom, ching!
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”