I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
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To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I just wrote a check for 6 dollars, so I don’t really wanna hear about your ‘summer’ house.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.