Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
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It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
That’s fair
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
When ur friends with white people
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way