@chris_isloi: Whenever two people argue over something, yell out "OBJECTION" and then contradict the one wearing something you don't like.
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@3sunzzz: What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance. What I heard: You should go shopping.
@weinerdog4life: If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
@pleatedjeans: [cruising down highway in friend's car with windows down] me: [opens bag of glitter]
@singwithTaffy: Please, by all means, call my landline. I'll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon