Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

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i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it


Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.


[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”


Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95


me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye


Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]


[Touring Italy]
Guide: Bathroom anyone?
Me: I peed at the Tower of Pizza
Guide: That’s Pisa
Me: Sorry. I took a pisa at the Tower of Pizza


Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”


girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher


I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*