Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
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I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.