Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
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earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I’m not saying this one girl I dated in college wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but she did say she thought it was the sweetest thing ever when I told her I still made ice cubes using my grandmother’s recipe
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
NSA: dude, let it go
Apparently, if she’s refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be ‘Why are you mad again?’
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.