Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

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A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app


**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.


Cat 1: Are the humans asleep?
Cat 2: It appears so.
Cat 1: I shall now sing the anthem of my people.


Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?


My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.


ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal


ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks


Don’t take a shower when you’re drunk. The curtain does not support you when you fall. Trust me.


[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}


Gf: do I look fat in these pants?

Brain: oh god it’s a trap, this is what we’ve been training for

Me: I’ve seen worse

Brain: WTF MAN


“Relax. It’s not a competition.”
“Right. That’s what I say.”
“But I said it first.”