@myles_morrison

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it.”

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@AbrasiveGhost

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

@MenMusings

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

@Darlainky

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

@msbtx

“Snitches get stitches,” I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.

@UncleDuke1969

“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

@Crutnacker

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

@Parkerlawyer

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

@Marlebean

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

@JoParkerBear

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law