me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
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I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.